In my last blog, I talked about the man who sent me a gorgeous bouquet of flowers to ask me out. And we did go out. And it was a fantastic first date, mostly because he is the consummate gentleman. I’ve never been so spoiled and treated like a lady in my entire life. And we’ve seen each other since then.
But what he doesn’t know is that the day of the first date, all of my insecurities rose to the surface. I mean, they were like a billowing black cloud of ugliness whispering things to me like, “Look at all those wrinkles. Your age is showing. Yeah, you’ve lost a lot of weight, but you still have a ways to go. Be sure to suck your stomach in. Be sure and get your hair just right, or you just won’t cut it.”
I must have looked at myself in the mirror 30 times that day, peering at every inch of my face, neck, and hair, and everything seemed to be blown up as if under a magnifying glass. I became so distraught that I literally began looking up dermatologists to look into chemical peels, laser polishing, etc.
I know it sounds silly. Ridiculous, actually. I talked to a couple of my friends, and they both said, “He’s asked you out, hasn’t he? He already knows what you look like.” My daughter even said to me, “Mom, just be confident. Confidence is very attractive.” But in my mind, it was as though I was the Emperor with new clothes, and I was soon to walk out onto a date where he would see the real me, the me without my clothes on, and he would realize that I am not as cute and clever and engaging as I had seemed at first glance. I was afraid he’d look a little too closely and realize he’d asked the wrong woman.
This is what comes from a marriage where there was rejection, where ugly things had been said to me many times, and without realizing it, I had stored each word in my heart. Each of those hideous words marched out and began taunting me, and I began to think I wasn’t good enough for him: not pretty enough, not thin enough, not young enough.
But then, the words of Jesus broke through the din. I heard it clear as day in my mind: “You trust Me with everything else in your life…why aren’t you trusting Me in this?” It brought me up short. He was right. Why wasn’t I trusting Him with this man? If He had brought this man into my life–and I had most certainly prayed and prayed over this man before he asked me out–then He had already equipped him to find me attractive and cute and clever, regardless of my age or weight.
I made a conscious decision to trust the Lord. I also made a conscious decision to begin to give myself affirmations, to call into existence those things I knew agreed with God’s will. Here’s what I began to say to myself:
I am beautiful.
I am luminous.
I am radiant.
And you know what? I was beautiful when I went out on that date. And I knew I sparkled. I could feel it. So could he. It was the most romantic first date I’ve ever experienced (not that I’ve experienced a lot of them). We were completely into each other. He made sure we sat on the same side of the table at the restaurant, and he turned his chair toward me, so he could look directly at me. And when he accidentally sprayed steak juice on my arm, he grabbed my arm and quickly dabbed it off while I laughed. And we drove through neighborhoods and looked at the Christmas lights. And he gave me not one but two kisses at the end of the date. It was utterly perfect.
It was the next day when I realized that the ugly words I’d heard the day before were from the great deceiver himself, Satan. It had been a full-blown attack. Who else would try to steal my joy on such a lovely occasion?
The power of words…they can be used to uplift or to break down. They can make us truly sparkle, or slowly shrivel, depending on which words we believe. And God has given us the power to agree with Him and call things into existence that do not presently exist. (Romans 4:17) So I want you to know the truth, the real truth:
You are beautiful.
You are luminous.
You are radiant.
Speak them out loud with confidence, and come against the ugly whispered words, because those are lies. Have a great day, Beautiful.