A man was driving with his wife in the front passenger seat. He missed the exit. She pointed that out to him. He told her he was sorry and he’d take the next one and turn around. But, when they got to the next exit, he didn’t do that. He kept driving. The wife pointed that out. The man again apologized and said he’d do it the next exit. . . and so on for several more exits. The point is, saying you’re sorry means little if you do not turn around and correct your path.
Many women caught in a volatile marriage or relationship are victims of what is called abuser remorse. After the yelling, belittling, and at times hitting, is over, the abuser re-enters all contrite. Maybe they bring flowers or a gift. Maybe they turn on the tears. Perhaps they clean the house or do the laundry, treat the kids extra nice. All is forgiven, right?
The one who is abused falls for it again – hook, line and sinker. Maybe I just pushed his buttons. He has been under stress. I should walk on egg shells awhile. He’s not that bad of a guy. Deep down I know he loves me. Thus, the cycle begins again.
When Jesus’ disciples asked how often should they forgive someone, Jesus replied “seventy times seven”. (Matthew 18:22) For the Hebrews, that was a metaphor for infinity. But there is a difference between forgiveness and being sucked into a vortex of mental illness. How do you separate the two?
Seek God’s protection and guidance. Ask Him to strengthen your spiritual armor. Stay in the Word, pray daily, surround yourself with positive, Christian messages. Join a Bible study. Listen to Christian radio. It is the best way to combat the negativity in your relationship.
Seek Christian guidance. Go to a professional, Christian counselor. Knowledge is your best weapon. Go, even if the abuser will not go, and most likely they won’t because they are afraid of change and are already suffering from low self esteem so it is like rubbing salt in the wound. The abuser wants you to be under their control, and they will raise a stink. If you tell them it is because you are having problems, not them, they may back down. You are speaking truth. You are having problems. Of course, they are as well, but they are not to the point of recognizing that fact.
Seek to forgive so it does not fester in your soul – but do not forget. Joyce Meyer, who was repeatedly abused by her father, is famous for her quote stating that hurting people hurt people. That separates the emotion from it and helps you to look at it logically. It also relieves you of thinking it is all your fault. It is not. We cannot control how others behave or react to our behavior. You cannot change people until they are willing to do that themselves. That is God’s job, not yours.
Do NOT seek out companionship with someone else. You are not ready for that, even if your heart is telling you that you are. Realize that you are attracted to abusers and work on that issue first – through prayer, counseling and study.
If you are in an abusive situation, even if it is just verbal abuse, read Joyce Meyer’s books on the subject. And above all else, if you or your child is in physical danger, leave. Seek a women’s shelter. Break the cycle, even if it breaks your heart.
