I got up yesterday morning with three issues hanging over my head…three things that seem to have a blockade in front of them, preventing them from coming through.
One is my freelance business. I’ve had a couple of potential clients hovering on the sidelines, acting like they would give me some long-term jobs, but I was still waiting to hear from them. The speed of growth of my freelance business has been sluggish at best.
Another is my cabin in Sandpoint, which I talked about in a previous blog. I’m still waiting for a renter or a sale and living on faith that I can continue to meet the mortgage until then.
And the third issue involves trying to get my daughter recruited onto a college softball team. She’s been playing softball since she was 9, and she’s a high school senior now. She has been part of a select softball team the last two years. The whole point of the team is to get the girls recruited onto college teams and get them scholarships, but in the process, you pay out the nose to send your kids to “exposure” tournaments in other states so college coaches can see them in action.
We’re getting down to the wire now with my daughter’s college plans. By the end of November, we need to have applications into 5 colleges, but we’ve been praying she’d get an offer from a college she’s interested in before that. Meanwhile, my daughter and I have been getting into daily fights, because there are a few college coaches who’ve shown interest in recruiting her, but they don’t seem to fit into her parameters. I see her as too picky. She sees me as pushing her too hard. And my patience is growing thin.
As I sat down in my prayer chair yesterday morning, I realized what I needed was a breakthrough. It seemed as though God was pushing me to the end of my “faith and wait” limit. I needed a breakthrough in one of those three areas…it didn’t matter which. Just some visible sign that He was listening and working.
I try not to ask Him to show up very often. I don’t want to be a petulant, demanding child. He’s not a rabbit in a hat I can pull out when I need to see some results. But yesterday, with tears streaming down my face, I asked for a breakthrough.
As the day went on, I kept checking my email, looking for some answer to my prayer. Finally, I went out to grab some lunch and do a few errands to get out of the house. Sometime in the afternoon, I received an email from someone responding to Craig’s List about the Sandpoint cabin. She said she was very interested in it. I responded, but haven’t heard from her since. OK…not sure that was the breakthrough I needed.
My one steady client sent me another small job. That was good…but was hoping for a new client. Then, finally, one of the prospective clients I’d been hoping to hear from sent an email saying he wanted to start working with me. Ahhhhhh…finally…some movement. Thank you, Lord.
Then my daughter came home. I absolutely did not intend to talk about colleges or recruiting. But somehow, it ended up there. And we ended up in another argument. Then there were slamming doors. And tears. In exasperation, I called her dad and said I was done. He would have to handle the college process with her.
Then came the real breakthrough. I realized that if I really meant to let go of my daughter’s college process, it would be incredibly hard for me. I’ve been told I’m a control freak, but I don’t mean to be. I don’t want to be. But as a mom, it’s really hard for me to let my daughter make mistakes. I want to shield her. But she just wants me to get out of the way and stop haranguing her.
Surrender. It’s the same message God has been speaking to me about everything in my life. He wants me to completely let go and trust. It’s a really hard thing. Especially for a purported control freak.
I’ve been told that the need for control stems from fear. I’m afraid if I don’t keep my hands on the wheel, our lives will go over a cliff and down into a river. But what I need to remember is, I’m not really driving. I can turn the wheel this way and that, throw on the brakes or punch the gas, but my car is in God’s unseen hand. In fact, my tires aren’t even touching the road. And He will get me and my family to the destination He wants for us, regardless of my silly attempts at control.
And if I do a lot more surrendering, I’ll probably do a lot less swerving.
He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but he who walks wisely will be delivered. (Proverbs 28:26)