A Free Fall of Faith

That wild, insane day was a Thursday, and on Friday, I made a big decision. I was sitting in my prayer chair that Friday morning, reflecting on the previous day, particularly the time spent in the classroom. I should have been working on Friday, too–I had committed to working at least two days a week, and Thursday was the first day I’d worked for the week. But a call to substitute had not come that morning, and I had silently thanked God for the time at home, but felt guilty I wasn’t working.

So after I sat down for my favorite morning conversation with the Lord, He spoke to me about the previous day’s events. “What are you doing there?” He said. “It’s only causing you frustration and keeping you away from what you feel called to do. So why don’t you just let go and trust me?”

I thought about my two friends who have done what I call a “free fall” and let go of their “normal” jobs and pursued their heart’s call. One is my neighbor Kim, who lost her H.R. job about seven months ago within two weeks of her husband losing his job. After going through interview after interview for months, it occurred to her that God might have a different plan. As she thought about it, she realized that she loved to prepare food and feed people. That is what feeds her. So she decided to become a personal chef. She decided this even while her husband was still out of work. But when she did, she felt a huge weight drop off her shoulders, and a peace invade her heart. She knew she’d done the right thing, and she was living on trust.

That was a little over a month ago, and since then, her husband has secured a wonderful job, and Kim now has eight clients.

My friend Cheryl did something similar, but did it several months ago. She loves math, and after tutoring out of her home for a few years while maintaining a full-time computer job, she decided to leave her job and start an after-school computer-based math program for schools to help those kids who are struggling with the “new math.” She’s doing it with three other women, and they already have a handful of schools who have accepted the program.

So when I thought about “free falling” into my writing full-time, it wasn’t such a terrifying leap from the plane. God had provided Cheryl and Kim’s examples to give me encouragement, so on that Friday morning, Sept. 26, I decided to let go. I felt the same peace, and even a wonderful exhilaration.

It took me a week to find the courage, and the optimal time, to talk to my husband about it. He had been working the most ridiculous hours, literally coming home at 11:00 p.m. and later for nearly two weeks. He and his team were preparing for a huge presentation, so I rarely saw him.

When I did talk to him this last Friday, he was somewhat accepting. I talked about living on trust, and believing that God is calling me into a full-time writing ministry. After 22 years, my husband is used to my walking-by-faith lifestyle, although he hasn’t always subscribed to it. So when my husband didn’t overtly object, I took it as a “go” signal. I did do something a little chicken-ish–I told him that I’d like to “try” this for 3-4 months, to see how it goes, since we might have to supplement my previous small income with money from our savings. But I’m praying huge that the Lord will show him–my very pragmatic and concrete husband–that He will provide.

Still, this free fall also feels a lot like walking out on the water toward Jesus. Sorry to mix metaphors, but I feel like stepping out on the water was relatively easy, but now that I’m on the water, it’s not so easy not to look down and wonder what the heck I’m doing here. It’s one thing to become a personal chef and get clients. Once you get clients, you just keep preparing food. And once you get schools on board with your program, you just administer the program. But when you’re a writer, and the checks aren’t nearly as consistent, it can get a little scary. This is faith in the fast lane, because nearly every weekday, I get up and say, “OK, Lord, what am I writing about today, and for whom?” I have to keep walking on the water, and keeping my eyes on Him, because otherwise, I feel sure I’m going to sink.

I was in the Christian bookstore a few days ago, and my eyes fell on a book which God surely meant for me to buy. It’s called “Ruthless Trust” by Brennan Manning. I have been devouring it. I was amazed that within the first chapter, it spoke to me about exactly what I’ve been feeling. “We often presume that trust will dispel the confusion, illuminate the darkness, vanquish the uncertainty, and redeem the times. But the crowd of witnesses in Hebrews 11 testifies that this is not the case….Against insurmountable obstacles and without a clue as to the outcome, the trusting heart says, ‘Abba, I surrender my will and my life to you without any reservation and with boundless confidence, for you are my loving Father.'”

That’s what I’m living right now. At times, it’s a flat-out rush. At other times, like in the middle of the night, it’s a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. That’s what free falling feels like. But you know what? I want to see what God is going to do. I know I’ll have a soft landing–but where? Where will I land? That’s the fun part. I’ll let you know.

In his book, Brennan Manning quoted Paul de Jaegher, The Virtue of Trust: “Trust is that rare and priceless treasure that wins us the affection of our heavenly Father. For him it has both charm and fascination. Among his countless children, whom he so greatly loves and whom he heaps with tenderness and favors, there are few indeed, who truly entrusting themselves to him, live as veritable children of God….Such souls truly delight and give immense pleasure to the heart of their heavenly Father. There is nothing he is not prepared to give them.”

Blessings,