The Things I Did For Love

I can remember my first real love. He was a bad boy. I learned a lot from him. Although we were young, I learned what it meant to really care for someone else more than yourself. To love someone so much that you were willing to take foolish chances just to make them happy; to want to see them so bad that you would do whatever you had to do just to see them. How your heart ached, when you couldn’t talk to him. You would break up and get back together over and over again because you just couldn't stand to be without him. When the relationship was finally over and you were so heartbroken that you couldn't eat or sleep you promised yourself that you would never let yourself ever feel like that again. You would never give that much of yourself to someone ever again.

I can remember relationships where I settled for being the other woman because I thought it would be easier. He would complain about what he thought were problems in his relationship and I would be everything that he was missing in his relationship. As long as I settled for being the other woman that is as far as I would go. Yeah, he liked me, yeah, he liked the thrill of finding time to spend with me but if I would allow myself to be the one that would be available whenever he called then he would never have any respect for me. I wish I could say that just one time of being in this kind of relationship helped me to learn my lesson, but have you ever been so lonely and desired to be in a relationship that you compromised yourself and what you really wanted. You allowed loneliness to let you make a bad decision.

I have also shacked with a man - lived with a man without the benefit of marriage. I lived with a man for almost eight years and gave him three daughters and we never married. I probably got at least two engagement rings out of the deal. There were times when he was ready and I wasn't and I was ready and he wasn’t. We were just going with the flow. Two confused twenty-some things trying to find our way and neither one of us had a clue. The relationship went sour long before it was actually over but we had so much invested that we kept trying to make it work. I come from a family dynamic that is rare in this society. My mother and father are still together after 40 years of marriage and I stayed in this dysfunctional relationship mainly out of guilt. My parents stayed together and made it work; I just wanted to be able to do the same thing for my girls. After an eight year relationship and three daughters, I walked away with a 4 year old, a 2 year old still in pull-ups and baby still in pampers. I had the peace of mind of not being in a bad relationship and knowing I had done the right thing by moving on but with moving on came many more issues.

Now I am thirty-something, almost forty-something and I am still searching for love. But now it is different. The things that I desire in a relationship are different than the things that I desired before. Although I am from a Christian background, I was young and selfish and wanted to do things my way. Now that I have learned things the hard way I am forever grateful that God is faithful. Even when I didn't realize what I was doing to myself God still kept me, even in my mess. Not only did He keep me He wouldn't allow me to stray too far away. He would always bring me back when it looked like I had strayed too far. Just like a father allowing a child to find their own way but watchful enough to be right there if they start to stray too far, that is what God was doing for me.

When I take inventory of my past relationships, I realize that I have probably never been in a relationship that God has been pleased with. We are so consumed with the way that the world does things we start to blend right in. The world says the way to get a man is to put on something sexy and make him notice you. Once he has noticed you, sleep with him and give him all the pleasure that he can handle and keep him coming back for more, even if he is somebody else’s man, if you want him-just take him. So many Christian women are still applying the world's rules to dating. They want a good Christian man but believe the only way to get him is by the world's standards. "Once I get him I will do right". This may be the single reason why there are so many divorces and dysfunctional marriages. We never consult God. We trust God with our finances, our health, our jobs but our relationships are off limits.

God says trust Him. He didn't put any stipulations on this trust. Proverbs 3:5-6 says Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy path.

I realize that I have tried everything and none of it has worked. I have had a man that I really loved, I have had a man that really loved me but this time I want one that really loves God. As hard as it is being single and having these deep desires to be married, I trust God. Why because He has already promised that He wouldn't put more on me than I can bear. He promised never to leave me nor forsake me, so I know I am not alone. He promised that if I delight myself in Him that He would give me the desires of my heart, He promised that if I would seek Him first then all these things would be added unto me and I know that He is a God that can't lie. I believe that when it is time, God will bring that special man of God into my life and our relationship will be even better than I can imagined. Just because I know that, it doesn't mean the waiting gets any easier. Those desires are still present and I have to pray and lean on God during those trying times.

My prayer now is that God would teach me How to wait. What is it Lord that you would have me to do during the wait?

Father God, In the name of Jesus, I come to you as an empty vessel needing to be filled. Since You created me, I know that You know my every desire. I believe that I am fearfully and wonderfully made and that you desire to bless me exceedingly, abundantly, above all that I can ask or think. I believe that you have blessed me with everything I need in my life right now. Show me how to be content with what you have given me until you change my situation. Lord, help me to focus on the things I have and not the things that I don't have. I know that if I continue to feed these feelings of discouragement and loneliness they will continue to grow. Help me not to magnify the problem but to magnify you.

Create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me. Give me a mind that is focused on you and your goodness. Anything or anyone in my life that is hindering me from seeing what you have me to do, I ask you to move it right now, in the name of Jesus; I submit to your will for my life totally and completely. Whatever it is that you would have me to do, i surrender my will to yours, even if it means doing things I don't want to do. I know that you would never steer me wrong. Help me to understand the things that you are trying to show me as I Wait on the Lord and Be of good courage. I know that Your will is what's best for me. Amen

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Veda Yolandra Taylor is a 37 year old single mother of three daughters, still hopeful about marriage but realistic about learning from past mistakes.

 

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