I know when I first became a blogger on this site, I said that I would talk about the challenges of a marriage that had hit the wall. My purpose was to encourage other women who may be going through the same challenges, and to give them hope.

What I have found, however, is that some of the things we are experiencing are so deeply personal, that it's hard to share them without opening up a door into our relationship that really is not for anyone to see beyond except us.

But I will try to share something that happened a few nights ago, without filling in all the blanks, because God really did some amazing stuff.

Two months ago, due to certain events, I decided that I was done with the marriage. Finished. After spending a week with my younger daughter at our cabin in the woods (my older daughter was at a Christian camp), and being sick to my stomach the entire time as I prayed about what to do, I came back to inform my husband that I was moving out.

That conversation went on for four hours. My husband and I had never talked like that at any time during our 22 years of marriage. It wasn't pretty--it was actually very painful. Still, when we were through, I wasn't so sure I was moving out. This is not to say that he asked me to stay. Both of us were sitting on the fence, wildly uncomfortable in our present position--even feeling trapped--yet afraid of following through with divorce. We knew the carnage that would follow.

Over the next month or so, I prayed and prayed and prayed. Eventually God's voice came through to me. He told me that I had been "talking the talk" all my life. Now I needed to "walk the walk." It's easy to say that with God, all things are possible. But did I really believe it? Did I believe that He is who He says He is? That He can do what He says He can do? Even with MY marriage?

With some reluctance, I climbed down off the fence. I had this sense that God expected me to be the one to do it--to believe Him and take a stand for the marriage, because I am the "Jesus freak" of the house. My husband calls me a zealot. (It could be worse, you know?) My oldest daughter says that I turn everything (conversations, yada yada) into a "God thing." (Don't be fooled--my oldest daughter is showing signs of Jesus freakness, too, but she doesn't realize it. When viewing the big ghost hanging from our neighbors' tree, she said something like, "Goodness, why invite Satan in?") God led me to step up to the plate and take a stand.

I decided that I was not leaving. Not ever. I was going to believe God; believe that He could resurrect a dead marriage. Period. When I did that, two things happened. First, I knew that the devil was furious. I mean furious. I won't tell you about some of the weird stuff that happened around our house. Secondly, I learned that when God calls you to the plate, He doesn't leave you standing there without the right equipment. He began to teach me how to love my husband in a way that I never have.

He has given me a servant heart for my husband that was never there before. He has taken every ounce of fight out of me. He has given me a new humility that my husband doesn't quite know what to do with. For the first time in my life, I am now learning what REAL love is--unconditional, expecting nothing in return.

But let me also make it clear that this new behavior of mine is not "mine." It is the Holy Spirit working through me. I am really not all that wonderful. I know that it is the Holy Spirit, because it has been two months since I climbed off the fence, and if I was still trying to do this in my own power, I would have had 18 knee-jerk reactions by now, several tirades before God, and three or four in-your-face confrontations with my husband. And incidentally, that was life before I stepped up to the plate--before God honored my faith, and equipped me.

Now, about the other night. My husband told me he wanted to talk to me. We sat behind closed doors and he told me about how he was feeling. Without divulging what he said, suffice it to say that he is still on the fence and very uncomfortable.

But you know what? A miracle actually occurred, because the words he said to me should have knocked me flat. They weren't mean-spirited, but they were honest. Maybe some of the most honest things he has ever said to me. And that is a very good thing--that he can feel safe enough to say such things. But they were the last thing I wanted to hear. Strangely though, as I listened to him, I felt no pain. God held my heart in His warm hands, and I was really OK. I was actually astounded that I was OK.

I told him that I was going to stay in the marriage, and I was going to love him, no matter what. He wasn't quite sure what to do with that information, or me.

Afterward, I went out for a walk like I often do. It was 9:30 p.m., but I have my faithful Jessie dog (who sleeps beside me as I write), and my God, and both enable me to walk comfortably in the dark in our neighborhood. As soon as I got past our driveway, this amazing, unearthly joy took hold of me. I can't describe it. All I could do was smile. But I knew first of all, that God had been there in the midst of that conversation, and that He had used me, and that He had held me and kept my heart safe. And something told me that the joy was a precursor to what will come with time. All I could do throughout that 45-minute walk was praise God.

The next day, the Lord brought my dearest friends to "fill my cup" (unbeknownst to them). I called one friend, and two others just happened to call--which almost never happens. I was on the phone for a total of almost three hours that day (an all-time record because I am not a phone talker).

The day after that, I was at Bible study and chatting with a friend of mine who has been praying for our marriage, and who has been an encouragement. As she listened to the latest events, she told me, "Three years ago, my husband was you, and I was your husband. The same thing happened almost exactly. I gave my husband every reason to leave me. In fact, I tried to make him mad enough to leave me. But he refused to leave, and insisted on loving me. Then, one day, I woke up, and I wasn't angry anymore. I couldn't even summon up anger toward him. I went and apologized to him. And now, look at us."

Wow. When God calls us to the plate, He gives us the right equipment. And a wonderful team that supports us, and prays alongside of us.

We just have to be brave enough to get off the fence, and step up to the plate. Even if it looks like the odds are against us. Because God is for us. And that is all we need.

For those of you who read my last blog entry, titled, "U-turns Can Be Upturns if We Make Him Lord of Them," this is the sequel.

That wild, insane day was a Thursday, and on Friday, I made a big decision. I was sitting in my prayer chair that Friday morning, reflecting on the previous day, particularly the time spent in the classroom. I should have been working on Friday, too--I had committed to working at least two days a week, and Thursday was the first day I'd worked for the week. But a call to substitute had not come that morning, and I had silently thanked God for the time at home, but felt guilty I wasn't working.

So after I sat down for my favorite morning conversation with the Lord, He spoke to me about the previous day's events. "What are you doing there?" He said. "It's only causing you frustration and keeping you away from what you feel called to do. So why don't you just let go and trust me?"

I thought about my two friends who have done what I call a "free fall" and let go of their "normal" jobs and pursued their heart's call. One is my neighbor Kim, who lost her H.R. job about seven months ago within two weeks of her husband losing his job. After going through interview after interview for months, it occurred to her that God might have a different plan. As she thought about it, she realized that she loved to prepare food and feed people. That is what feeds her. So she decided to become a personal chef. She decided this even while her husband was still out of work. But when she did, she felt a huge weight drop off her shoulders, and a peace invade her heart. She knew she'd done the right thing, and she was living on trust.

That was a little over a month ago, and since then, her husband has secured a wonderful job, and Kim now has eight clients.

My friend Cheryl did something similar, but did it several months ago. She loves math, and after tutoring out of her home for a few years while maintaining a full-time computer job, she decided to leave her job and start an after-school computer-based math program for schools to help those kids who are struggling with the "new math." She's doing it with three other women, and they already have a handful of schools who have accepted the program.

So when I thought about "free falling" into my writing full-time, it wasn't such a terrifying leap from the plane. God had provided Cheryl and Kim's examples to give me encouragement, so on that Friday morning, Sept. 26, I decided to let go. I felt the same peace, and even a wonderful exhilaration.

It took me a week to find the courage, and the optimal time, to talk to my husband about it. He had been working the most ridiculous hours, literally coming home at 11:00 p.m. and later for nearly two weeks. He and his team were preparing for a huge presentation, so I rarely saw him.

When I did talk to him this last Friday, he was somewhat accepting. I talked about living on trust, and believing that God is calling me into a full-time writing ministry. After 22 years, my husband is used to my walking-by-faith lifestyle, although he hasn't always subscribed to it. So when my husband didn't overtly object, I took it as a "go" signal. I did do something a little chicken-ish--I told him that I'd like to "try" this for 3-4 months, to see how it goes, since we might have to supplement my previous small income with money from our savings. But I'm praying huge that the Lord will show him--my very pragmatic and concrete husband--that He will provide.

Still, this free fall also feels a lot like walking out on the water toward Jesus. Sorry to mix metaphors, but I feel like stepping out on the water was relatively easy, but now that I'm on the water, it's not so easy not to look down and wonder what the heck I'm doing here. It's one thing to become a personal chef and get clients. Once you get clients, you just keep preparing food. And once you get schools on board with your program, you just administer the program. But when you're a writer, and the checks aren't nearly as consistent, it can get a little scary. This is faith in the fast lane, because nearly every weekday, I get up and say, "OK, Lord, what am I writing about today, and for whom?" I have to keep walking on the water, and keeping my eyes on Him, because otherwise, I feel sure I'm going to sink.

I was in the Christian bookstore a few days ago, and my eyes fell on a book which God surely meant for me to buy. It's called "Ruthless Trust" by Brennan Manning. I have been devouring it. I was amazed that within the first chapter, it spoke to me about exactly what I've been feeling. "We often presume that trust will dispel the confusion, illuminate the darkness, vanquish the uncertainty, and redeem the times. But the crowd of witnesses in Hebrews 11 testifies that this is not the case....Against insurmountable obstacles and without a clue as to the outcome, the trusting heart says, 'Abba, I surrender my will and my life to you without any reservation and with boundless confidence, for you are my loving Father.'"

That's what I'm living right now. At times, it's a flat-out rush. At other times, like in the middle of the night, it's a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. That's what free falling feels like. But you know what? I want to see what God is going to do. I know I'll have a soft landing--but where? Where will I land? That's the fun part. I'll let you know.

In his book, Brennan Manning quoted Paul de Jaegher, The Virtue of Trust: "Trust is that rare and priceless treasure that wins us the affection of our heavenly Father. For him it has both charm and fascination. Among his countless children, whom he so greatly loves and whom he heaps with tenderness and favors, there are few indeed, who truly entrusting themselves to him, live as veritable children of God....Such souls truly delight and give immense pleasure to the heart of their heavenly Father. There is nothing he is not prepared to give them."

Blessings,