Feb
19
The One True Hand Holder
By Gwenn McKone | 2 Comments
I’ve talked in former posts about the vacation home we bought in Sandpoint, Idaho. We bought it last July to make it into a vacation rental. Sandpoint is a six-hour drive from our home, so it’s not exactly convenient. It’s a log home, and the culmination of a long-held dream of mine.
We bought it from a bachelor who had two basset hounds who piddled on the carpet, and who had free rein to go in and out all day long–and not through a doggie door. This man left the two French doors wide open all day long while at work, so not only were the dogs at liberty to go in and out of the house, but so were the bugs. And since the property is on 8 acres in very heavily wooded wild country, I was surprised that he didn’t fear other varmints coming in as well.
This beautiful yet neglected log home was screaming for a woman to get hold of it. I had a vision for how it could look. So in late July, I began to undertake the project alone. I had to furnish the 3 bedroom, 2.5 bath house from the ground up, replace the carpet, orchestrate the remodeling of one of the bathrooms, and become a handy woman extraordinaire. Little did I know that in the process, God was going to do a work in me.
You see, two years ago, when I turned 50, I might as well have hit a brick wall at 90 mph. I was NOT READY to hit 50, no way. It took me nearly a year to adjust to the concept. And I went to God and said, please, I want to be like a race horse breaking out of the starting gates at 50, not one just being put out to pasture. This may sound like so much drama to someone who’s 60 or 70, but we’ve all got our stuff, know what I mean?
The beauty of God is that He takes such prayers seriously. He knew I needed to feel vital and strong and capable. So He gave me this project and as time went on, He ensured that I did it all by myself. There were a few times when my best friend planned to drive from Utah to help me, but always, something huge happened that kept her from coming up. And she kept saying to me, “Apparently you’re supposed to do this by yourself.”
So I gathered furniture from Craig’s list and nearby antique stores, put it into a U-Haul trailer and drove it over, just my faithful dog and me. I made 4 trips with a trailer on the back of my Tahoe. And when I would arrive, either God would place someone there to help me unload the big stuff, or I would somehow manage to figure out how to do it myself. One time, I had hired two young men to come and deliver wood for the wood stove, and so they helped me to carry a large armoire into the house. Another time, my real estate agent’s son came and helped me.
When I began to paint, I had to buy a 10-foot ladder, because the ceiling in the main part of the house is 12 feet high. At one point, the only way that I could get up to do the trim on the ceiling above the kitchen counter and bar was to literally place the 6-foot ladder on the counter in a closed position, lean it against the wall, and climb carefully up, praying the entire time that God would keep me from falling.
My husband has never returned to the cabin since he saw it for the first time in July. Although that bothered me for several months, I was also happy to have the absolute freedom to do with the cabin whatever I wished.
Last Tuesday night, I returned from a week at what I have named ”Little Moose Cabin,” after the two baby moose and their mother who sauntered across our property several months ago. It was my final push to get everything done and ready for vacation renters. It was a very intense week of doing things like putting up a hanging light on that lovely 12-foot ceiling, installing closet doors and curtains on the French doors, cleaning the interior logs of the 1/4 inch of dust on them, etc.
The two women who will be managing the property and rentals arrived at the cabin a few days after I’d gotten there. They already manage another small cabin we have two hours from our home (this cabin came completely furnished), and live in the Seattle area, like I do. They had agreed to try to manage the cabin long distance and had driven all the way over to Sandpoint to see ”Little Moose,” to take pictures, and to gather information about the area. I was excited to have them there, because I wanted to ask them some questions, to pick their brains, and to just compare notes and have fellowship. They were going to be there for 3 days, and I had expected at least an entire day of talking, sharing, etc.
They came, oohed and aahed over the cabin and its decor, took scads of pictures for the website, and left an hour and a half later. I assumed I’d see them the next day, but they were too busy getting to know the area and gathering information. I was deflated, resentful and felt very let down. I realized I’d wanted them to “hold my hand” for a while.
I called my best friend and told her that apparently no one was going to hold my hand through the process–not even my management ladies. She said, “Gwenn, God is holding your hand.” I thought back on it, and realized it was true.
He had orchestrated that my neighbor on the property next to us is a skilled contractor and he has done wonderful work in the cabin that I would not have been able to do. This same neighbor is well-known in that small town, and brought me a wonderful electrician who has also done great work–and is even going to give me a pair of moose antlers for the cabin!
God took great care of me on my trips back and forth to Sandpoint. On one trip, I was driving back to the cabin from Home Depot when this huge clanging noise occurred in my wheel. I was leaving the next day and was annoyed that such a thing would happen. I got it into a mechanic who said my emergency brake had completely fallen apart and was banging around inside the wheel well. It then occurred to me that God had made sure it happened while in Sandpoint, and NOT while driving through the miles and miles of desolate country on the way home.
God showed me through these last seven months that with Him behind me and beside me, I can accomplish much more than I ever thought, and that 50 is just a number. He has renewed my youth like the eagle, and given me new mountains to climb. He has given me a beautiful log cabin that I hope will bless others as they come to stay. He has never left me, and He has stretched me and challenged me and given me renewed confidence in myself. Praise Him.
‘Do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,
Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ Isaiah 41:10
Jan
28
Because I loved you
By Gwenn McKone | 3 Comments
I spent an hour in our car this afternoon having a very loud and emotional discussion (fight) with my 15-year-old daughter just sitting in our driveway. Such discussions are all too common between us these days. She was telling me that she’s tired of getting in trouble every single day, and that she’s really a good kid. I was telling her that I’m tired of her talking to me disrespectfully.
When I step back and look at her as a whole, she really is a good kid. She gets great grades, is very involved in our church high school program, and has a good head on her shoulders. She has good moral fiber, is very honest, and hates when her friends get involved with yucky guys.
So what’s my beef, then? Why aren’t I on my knees thanking God for this good kid? I often do. But just as often, I ask for wisdom and strength in dealing with her. She’s very intense and very in-your-face. She’s got attitude with a capital “A”. She often talks at me and not to me–loudly. If she’s passionate about something, or angry about something, and I disagree, I’m suddenly in the firing line. And of course, this usually happens in the car, when there’s no possibility of escape. For her, it’s an advantage–there I am, completely at her disposal. And, no matter how I react, it’s usually wrong in her eyes.
Last night, I was driving her home from her softball practice. She was fit to be tied about some of the things that are happening with her team. She began to vent, and I settled in, mentally preparing myself. The two of us stopped for a quick dinner, because she was going straight to Tuesday night church. She continued to vent. We got back in the car, and she continued to vent. Nearly an hour later, I finally said, “OK, I’ve given you almost an hour to vent. Enough. Let’s talk about something else.” She retorted, “Fine, then, I just won’t talk to you at all from now on.” (Only seconds before, I had been congratulating myself on being patient enough to listen to her for that long.)
I now understand why God commanded us to “honor our father and mother.” He was trying to give parents a leg up. He knew that it was the toughest job on earth. He even threw in an incentive–the only incentive in all of the ten commandments–”that your days may be long on this earth.” He knows that rearing God-fearing kids is thankless, frustrating and exhausting. It’s the only occupation on earth where you can try your best, and somehow, end up at your worst. I do that a lot. I’ll walk away from a discussion (fight) with my daughter and think, “How the heck did she manage to pull that ugly, black, stinky, slimy stuff out of me? Why can’t I just have some SELF CONTROL!!”
As parents, we all need grace upon grace. And forgiveness. Heaps of forgiveness, especially from ourselves, to ourselves. And we need to remember that this, too, shall pass. All too quickly.
I was talking to my best friend a few months ago about this same topic. We’ve been best friends since the 10th grade–the exact same age that my daughter is now. I said, “I know I’ve always had a really strong personality, but I was never this challenging.”
“Yeah, actually, you were,” she said.
“No way,” I countered. “Seriously?”
“Yeah, you were really cocky.”
I was quiet a few moments considering such a thought. “Why did you put up with me, then?”
“Because I loved you,” she answered quietly.
Those four words knocked me into the back seat. Because I loved you.
“Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.” (1 Peter 4:8)
In this verse, the word “covers” is “kalupto” in Greek, and it means “to wrap around, as bark, skin, shell or plaster; to cover up.” My friend’s love wrapped around my sins, and covered them up. I love the fact that love doesn’t just cover, it “wraps around.” Like arms…of a mother around her daughter.
Jesus’ love for us does the same, it wraps around us. Surely I can do the same for my daughter, who is…a lot like me.
Jan
15
When God Gets in Your Stuff
By Gwenn McKone | 4 Comments
About a month ago, I joined Facebook, and I’m still not sure why. I had managed to avoid the trend, even though I’ve received several invitations to become someone’s friend on Facebook for the past year or so. Little did I know when I finally gave in to Facebook that I would be opening Pandora’s box.
Suddenly I was contacted by old childhood schoolmates, some of whom I barely remember, and others that don’t even ring a bell at all. (Their married names didn’t help much, either.) Then, a few weeks ago, a name popped onto my screen that I’d hoped never to see again. She asked to be my friend, and I wondered why.
She was one of the mean kids when I was growing up, and I was the goody two-shoes. I took a lot of flak when I was a kid, because my mom sewed really nice clothes for me, and I always looked pretty cute and I rarely if ever got into trouble. I was as annoying to the mean kids as the mean kids were annoying to me.
I remember one specific incidence with this mean kid. It was a scene that is emblazoned in my mind. We were about 11 or 12 years old, and I had walked to town with her and her friend, thinking I was finally accepted by the “in crowd.” As I recall, we had an OK time, and the two girls walked me home. After I turned to walk into my yard, the two girls turned, and screamed in perfect unison, “Good riddance!” Then they shared a laugh, and walked away. I was crushed.
I have told this story to many people over the years, so it clearly had a major impact on me. When this girl’s name popped up on Facebook, I thought, wow, a memory I’ve managed to keep mostly buried rears its ugly head. Funny how I’m still dragging that around with me more than 35 years later.
I tried three times to write a fairly benign response to this woman on Facebook, without sounding peevish, especially since it’s so public. I finally settled with something like this: “Wow, __________, I never expected to hear from you again. You and I weren’t exactly the best of friends. Are you nice now?” I knew it wasn’t the most gracious response, but I simply couldn’ t lie and act like I was thrilled to hear from her.
It was several days later before she responded to me. She had Googled my name and asked me if I was the same person who blogged on this site. Oh man, I thought. Now she knows I’m a Christian, and I didn’t exactly post the most Christ-like response on her Facebook wall. I knew I had to come clean.
I sent her a message and told her my feelings, and that I had been carrying stuff around in my heart about her for years. I told her that I forgave her, (funny–I’d never thought to forgive her before) and asked her if there was anything she needed to forgive me for. Several more days passed, and I figured that was the end of our communication. Then came the most beautiful note I’ve received in a long time, a note filled with regret and apologies and an owning up to being the mean kid…and even some reasons why she had been like that.
It was like living water pouring into my soul. As another message or two flew back and forth between us, we realized that we are sisters in Christ. Oh, what grace! What amazing grace that God would cross our paths again all these years later so that there could be forgiveness and repentance and healing.
After I received that beautiful note from her, it occurred to me how wonderful it is that God gets in “our stuff.” Only God knew that I had buried that hurt deep in my heart, and that it needed to be extracted and dealt with and healed. I even felt a little sheepish still holding onto it–we were kids then, for crying out loud. But God doesn’t want us carrying around extra baggage. He wants us to be free.
I love Him for that. I love Him for what a personal God He is.
Blessings,
Gwenn
Jan
9
Stretch
By Gwenn McKone | 2 Comments
At the beginning of a new year, many of us have the tendency to want to bid the old one good riddance, particularly if it was a tough year. For me, this past year was one of the toughest ones of my entire life.
But as I look back, I am so incredibly amazed at what God did. If I could use one word to describe the past year, I would say STRETCH. God stretched me. I feel kind of like Gumby right now, but in a good way.
At the end of January last year, my husband moved out. It was the culmination of two years of watching our 22-year marriage spiral downward, regardless of how many prayers I prayed–and there were hundreds.
For the first four to five months, I was angry and bitter. But as I gave my emotions to God, He began to do a work in my heart. As I began to heal, He showed me what I had done to contribute to the downfall of the marriage. More than anything, I had failed to give my husband the respect God expected. One day, as I was praying, the Holy Spirit gave me a repentance like I’ve never known, when I realized that my lack of respect for my husband had seriously affected our two daughters, who have also sinned in not respecting their Dad.
My husband is moving back home at the end of this month, after a year of separation. We’re both a little scared (OK, a lot), but I know that we are in God’s will, and that He will help us.
And as I look back over this year, God was such a husband to me. He kept all of us vibrantly healthy. We had a few bouts with sickness, but they were very short-lived. He provided financially. He brought people into my life to counsel me and lift me up. He showed me scriptures that fed me just when I needed them.
But there was more than that. Here are some of the marvelous things that happened:
1. We decided to begin to rent our cabin as a vacation rental after owning it for two years. After struggling with trying to manage it myself and doing pitifully, I prayed about it and God dropped an amazing management company comprised of two incredible Christian women into my lap. Since they took over, the cabin is thriving and we are receiving more than enough to pay the mortgage payment.
2. In July, my husband and I decided to purchase another vacation rental in Sandpoint, ID. (I know this is weird because we were separated, but that’s another story.) It’s a log home (a long-time dream of mine), and a six-hour drive from our home. It had been formerly occupied by a bachelor and seriously needed a woman’s touch. I have been driving there once a month by myself and single-handedly transforming it into a dream cabin. At 52, I never expected to be pulling out carpet, painting ceilings 12 feet high, dragging a trailer over there 4 times, or fixing the top of the garage door 12 feet in the air. I even backed up the trailer between two big boulders (with about a foot clearance on either side) to the front deck, so I could unload all the furniture by myself and slide it into the house.
3. After praying that God would bring a Christian couple alongside my husband and me to helps us, within a few months, God brought the perfect couple to work with us through the study, “Love and Respect.” (The book and study are amazing, by the way.)
4. As I talked about in a former post, I auditioned to do a solo part in our church’s Christmas production, “Light on the Plateau,” replete with small orchestra. After getting the part, I had an onslaught of nerves. I could hardly even sing my part in front of the choir! But God was so good, and when I opened my mouth to sing that first night in front of about 350 people, I had what seemed to be an out-of-body experience. I heard my voice coming out clear and strong, and everyone in the choir later told me that it was the best I had ever done. I went on to sing that solo the next night, and then again on Christmas eve.
5. Here’s my favorite thing. A few years ago, I wrote a book, titled, God, Up Close and Personal. After beating every bush in the publishing world to find either an agent or a publisher (or both), I couldn’t find anyone to take it on. I had even sold the first chapter of the book to the Christian magazine, Discipleship Journal, and was paid a hefty sum, but before it was published, they notified me that they were closing their doors. I went to God and said, “OK, what now?” But nothing happened. Then, around May, I lost the flash drive that had the entire book on it. (I had it in hard copy, however.) I looked everywhere. I went to God again. “OK, I have the feeling that when the time is right, you will bring this flash drive to light.” Then in early December, I got an e-mail from a Christian self-publisher. I had so far spurned all vanity publishers–many of whom had contacted me. But something spoke to me about this one. I prayed about it and sent an e-mail to my husband. His immediate response was, “Of course you should self-publish. Absolutely.” Then, within a few days, my daughter found the flash drive–in the suitcase I had been dragging back and forth to the log home. It had been there all along, but God brought it out when it was time. So now, God, Up Close and Personal will become a reality…and in only a few months. Praise our mighty God.
Just call me Stretch. It’s a good thing, even when it hurts a little. Let our mighty God stretch you, so you can do great things.
Blessings,
Gwenn
Dec
4
I sing. And I have stage fright something terrible. It seems to have gotten worse with age. I’ve actually sung solos in a few weddings, including my own 23 years ago. And each time I”ve sung in front of an audience, it has always been a pale shadow of how I can really sing–in the shower, in the car, and even in the wonderfully-reverberating bathroom at church.
I’m the one who sings with boldness while standing as a part of the congregation, and people consistently tell me I have a beautiful voice. And I sing beautifully as part of the choir. But when it’s my turn to do a solo, I freak. I panic. But WHY? What makes me so afraid to sing as God has enabled me? I don’t know.
I’m doing my first solo in many years in a little over a week in a large Christmas production at our church, replete with orchestra. And I’m afraid I’m going to let everyone down with a voice that squeaks out of a throat constricted in fear. Envisioning the audience naked does not help, even though everyone tells me so. Envisioning them thinking I’m the best singer in the world doesn’t help, either. (Nobody told me that, I just tried it.) Envisioning myself singing to Jesus doesn’t help much, either. (Sorry, Lord, but I’ve got this stage fright thing BAD.)
What keeps us from being everything God has called us to be? Fear of failure, embarrassment, or letting others down. Have we ever wondered what we could have been if we had had no fear of failure? How much of our destiny have we passed by because we didn’t trust God enough to give us what we needed in the moment that we needed it? I’ve been asking Him to give me the boldness to sing, but it hasn’t happened yet. Maybe because I haven’t needed it yet. It isn’t yet showtime.
But will He come through at that precise moment? Will I suddenly feel relaxed, and will my voice suddenly trill beautifully out of my throat?
After Moses died and the mantle passed from him to Joshua, I wonder if Joshua had stage fright. Not only was he going to have to fill some very big shoes, he was also going to have to go against some very big and scary men in the promised land: bigger, stronger and more numerous. And there was a potential for failure, embarrassment, and disappointing his fellow Israelites. What does it feel like to stand in front of more than a million Israelites and tell them that the land of Canaan wasn’t free for the taking; they had to go against the ugliest of the ugly, and the meanest of the mean?
Joshua must have had stage fright, because God addressed it very specifically. And interestingly, He didn’t say, “It’s OK, Joshua, this will be a piece of cake. At just the right time, I’ll give you a shot of valium, and you’ll be relaxed and confident, and all you’ll have to do is hold your sword out, and I’ll make all your enemies fall upon it. That’s all there is to it.” No, actually what God said was, “Be strong and courageous, for you shall give this people possession of the land which I swore to their fathers to give them.”
Joshua’s knees must have begun to shake, because God took one look at him and reiterated His previous statement: “Only be strong and very courageous…” Only?, Joshua must have thought. And what was that “very” word you slipped in there? Exactly how courageous is “very courageous?”
God required Joshua to stand up, square his shoulders, and be what He had made him to be. This was his destiny, the shoes Joshua was designed to fill, but He wasn’t going to make it easy on him. But He did give him the secret for success: “…be careful to do according to all the law which Moses my servant commanded you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, so that you may have success wherever you go. This book of the law shall not depart from your mouth but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it, for then [then!] you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have success.” (Joshua 1:7-8)
Joshua had his marching orders: be strong, be courageous, and keep My word in your mouth and in your heart and do not depart from it. Not easy, not at all, but certainly do-able with God’s help. Can you hear the sudden question in Joshua’s heart? God, will you be going with me? I can’t do it without you. Honest, I can’t. Moses had said similar words many years before when God threatened to remove His presence. “If Thy presence does not go with us, do not lead us up from here.”
God must have smiled at Joshua and said, “Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Whew, OK. Excellent. I can do this. I think…
When God calls us to big things, He calls us to be big. Like when you face a bear. You’re supposed to make yourself look big.
So stand up. Square your shoulders. Puff out your chest if you need to. Keep His word in your mouth and in your heart. And know that He’s got your back. Then go forth and conquer.
Blessings,
Gwenn
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