On the way to practice last night "At the top of my lungs" by Philips, Craig and Dean was playing. We sang....loudly as we do...and I was happy that God was reminding me to be thankful that I have three beautiful children to chase around, that I have a new(er) car in which to drive them, that I have been SAVED and He has a purpose for me. Fast forward about 4 hours and as we were headed home after all the chaos mentioned above, God AGAIN played that same song on the radio. I see a pattern here....God was telling me something. Then, this morning on the way to work as I pull out of the driveway, that same song AGAIN was playing. I know, you are probably thinking I listen to one of those radio stations that overplays certain songs, but I'm here to tell you that is not the case. God wanted me to listen...to really hear the words. This is what He was wanting me to hear:

"At the top of my lungs I will sing HALLELUJAH. You're the one who made me, the one who gave me this life I live! Forever more, I love you Lord."

So that made me think...."Ok, Becki, get a grip. What else is God wanting you to hear?" (yes...I talk to myself)...

..."can't be silent. I think of the mercy you’ve shown me. My lips began overflowing, how great is your love. Such gratitude for all that you do... ...Let my love be loud, a sweet joyful noise only for you. I lift up my voice. I lift up my voice at the top of my lungs..."

God is telling me to lift up my voice and PRAISE HIM. For all that He alone has brought me back from and through this blog I am able to do just that.

What has God brought me back from you ask? Here's is the part I don't want to write about. My childhood was bad. Could have been worse but it was bad. My parents were in a physically abusive relationship, they divorced when I was 5. I have many memories of that abuse. At age 6 my father moved 3,000 miles away. I was abandoned by him in nearly every sense of the word, but as an adult, I have forgiven him (we do not have a relationship but I forgive him). At around age 8 I was sexually abused by a close family member. I acted out in inappropriate ways through my teenage years....I was filled with rage and entitlement with a complete lack of self esteem. I tried drugs and alcohol in an effort to sooth my rage, anxiety and fear and I know now that by the grace of God I never became addicted to either. I had repressed the abuse memories until around age 27 or 28 when it all came flooding back to me. My marriage ended because I was such a complete pile of pooh and unable to fix myself or forgive anyone around me. I finally met a man who brought me up close and personal with Jesus two years ago and God has restored my feeble and broken soul. I have learned so much about how and why things happen. My favorite verse -- Romans 8:28 -- reminds me every day that God will work all things for good for those who believe in Him and are called according to His purpose. I believe that God has been pushing me to share my STORY....which is no longer my shame....in an effort to heal me and help others. I will follow His lead and do as He has asked me to do. I will write what He wants me to write. I will be the REAL me...the one who has gone through unspeakable things and lived to tell about them. I will be ok because God is with me. I will not only survive, I will thrive.

** NOTE ** As I was trying to publish this, I started to have serious computer problems, it wouldn't fully publish, etc. The devil was messing with me! HA! :0

Labels: forgive, God, praise, sockrma18

-posted by Sockrma18  # 6:52 AM